SURAJ KUMAR Navigating Desire in an Open Relationship An Autoethnographic Study ABSTRACT This essay presents an autoethnography of a gay man’s experiences in an open relationship. While one’s relationship with their partner is the primary way in which one experiences and lives one’s sexuality, in an open relationship one can also form connections with others. This essay examines the ways in which the author—being a gay man in an open relationship—navigates their desire within and beyond their relationship that involves interactions with other gay men. While relationships may be founded on a commitment, they remain subject to the changes in lived reality. As such, this essay traces the trajectory of the author’s relationship in a period in which it underwent some major changes—from live-in to long distance, from a closed relationship to an open one, leading finally to counseling sessions with a therapist. The status of one’s relationship has a direct bearing on the interactions—romantic, non- romantic, social, or fleeting, that one has with other people. In the heteronormative scheme of things, the constant shifts in one’s relationship and their interactions with other people would be construed as a lack of stability and certainty. However, the author argues that these very shifts characterize the inherent queerness of their relationship, which is driven as much by their commitment to their partner as by the desire to have sexual interactions with others and indulge in experiences that are capable of jeopardizing the relationship altogether. The author posits that the “instability” in their relationship(s) be read as the conflict between the affective nature of queerness and the constraints posed by the heteronormative world. KEYWORDS queer , affect , open relationship, queer relationships, autoethnography We are visiting Samarth’s home for his birthday. I, Samarth, and his brother are out, bathing in a stream. The cold water feels exhilarating on our bare bodies; the dusk is fast approaching and the scenic view of hills in front of our eyes continues to give us a soothing feeling, although the temperature has started dropping. I get out of the water, finish the last can of beer, and start drying my body with a towel. Samarth is still in the water; having scrubbed his body with mud, he is washing himself using the body wash that I got for him as a birthday present. As we all start getting dressed, Samarth curiously peers toward me. He notices something on my neck and asks what it is. I panic! My worst fear has come true. At last, he has seen the hickey that I have been trying to hide for the last two days. I had felt bad the moment I saw it for the first time after my date had just left. I knew that I had to hide it. Fortunately, it was on the lower region of the neck and therefore I had been able to hide it just by wearing collared t-shirts. Just to be on the safer side, I had also been applying foundation on it. But the water of the stream had washed away the foundation. Since Samarth is not wearing his glasses, he cannot tell exactly what it is. I try to cover up and lie that it must be some insect bite. But his brother quickly interjects, “ love bite hai” (“ It’s a love bite” ). I wonder to myself if it is fair to call it a “ love bite” when it is not given by the person I love but by 385 Journal of Autoethnography, Vol. 5 , Issue 3 , pp. 385 –397 , e-ISSN 2637 -5192 © 2024 by The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. Please direct all requests for permission to photocopy or reproduce article content through the University of California Press’s Reprints and Permissions web page, https://online.ucpress.edu/journals/pages/reprintspermissions. DOI: https://doi.org/10 .1525 /joae.2024 .5 .3 .385 Downloaded from http://online.ucpress.edu/joae/article-pdf/5/3/385/830535/joae.2024.5.3.385.pdf?guestAccessKey=e3b898fd-339a-4c5a-bcf7-cb6aff595a5e by guest on 06 August 2024