Final version of: Slater, Jenny. (2013, f.c.). Playing grown-up: using critical disability perspectives to rethink youth. In Andrew Azzopardi (Ed.), Youth: Responding to lives - An international handbook. Rotterdam: Sense Publications. 1 Playing grown-up: using critical disability perspectives to rethink youth Jenny Slater J.Slater@shu.ac.uk Room 10110, Arundel Building, Sheffield Hallam University, 122 Charles Street, Sheffield, S1 2NE )ntroduction I write this chapter 12 months into my PhD exploring intersections of youth and disability. Based within critical disability studies (CDS), I am using disability as a lens to rethink ‘youth’; exploring how discourses ‘youth’ play-out with those of ‘disability’, and visa-versa. My thoughts in this paper are not grounded in empirical fieldwork, but intertwine a year’s reading with my own thoughts as a 23-year-old, new-to-the-world-of-research definitely-not-grown-up. The musings presented here reflect this; based upon feelings expressed in a paper I gave when three months into my PhD, they extrapolate the ‘youth’ dis/abled young people find themselves within. I present the introduction from the original paper here to set the scene. DzShit, this is proper grown-up stuffdz Three months ago, after four years as an undergraduate student followed by a long and lazy summer back with my parents, I made the journey to begin my PhD at Manchester Metropolitan University. Before summer, I lived with my big brother; now I have my own flat in a new city. The title of this chapter, ‘Playing Grown -up’, reflects a feeling I’ve had since the move: “shit, this is proper grown-up stuff”. It is a phrase that has both crossed my mind and passed my lips on numerous occasions. I make that distinction, between thinking and speaking, because they tell different stories. “Shit, this is proper grown-up stuff’ emerges as a thought at times of personal reflection. Alone in my flat, panicking because I can’t disable the smoke alarm, or remembering how, as much as I wanted my own place, it was nice to have my brother in the room next door to have whisky- fuelled putting-the-world-to-rights conversations with. It is a reflection of the new, scary bits of my life: moving to a big city where I don’t know anyone, living alone for the first time and feeling like a fraud, like I’ve tricked somebody into letting me do a PhD when I’ve only just graduated from my undergraduate course. Said aloud, however, it’s meant in jest, acting as an icebreaker if I have to reveal my age. The situation I’m in does seem ridiculous, totally surreal. Dr Jen? It’s a joke! And, by joking about it, I’m protecting myself, pre -empting what I think you may be thinking – yes, I know I shouldn’t really be here, I’m not a real grown-up. Where am I going with this? There are two points I feel need interrogation. Firstly, when I share this phrase with another person there is no precursor needed, there is shared cultural understanding between us of what it means to be ‘grown-up’. We both ‘get’ the joke. Through our laughter, we agree that my current situation is more ‘grown-up’ than my previous one. Secondly, the phrase reveals my personal insecurities about this ‘more grown-up’ status. The worry being that others will consider me a fraudulent adult. My new friend and (as I’ve meticulously worked out through my anxious over-thinking) next youngest PhD student, jovially highlighted that, if everything goes to plan, I will be younger than her current age when I hand in my thesis. Although meant lightly, it did nothing for my adult status. Seeming young (or too young to be doing what I’m doing, perha ps) is my biggest concern when sitting around a table feeling intimidated by clever, academic grown-ups. McRuer (2006) makes the connection between disabled people ‘passing’ as non-disabled and queer people ‘passing’ as heterosexual: at the minute, I am feeling the need to ‘pass’ as adult. If, as is commonly asserted, youth is a time that precedes adulthood (Wyn & White, 1997), there must be certain benchmarks I can meet to prove myself as adult. I am told grownups start the first year of their PhD with a literature review. Great, starting my literature review (researching around youth) can double as developing my strategy of adulthood deception. Jenny Slater, A.K.A. Hercule Poirot. If while researching literature on youth, I can work out what adults are meant to do and be, I may be able to convincingly fill that role.