CHAPTER NINETEEN WRITING AFFECTIVELY: QUEERYNG THE DOCTORAL WRITING JOURNEY JAMES BURFORD In this chapter, James Burford relects on the queer twists and turns of his own doctoral experience. The chapter follows James from the conception of his topic, through its various stages of theoretical development. He introduces his study, as well as critically (dis)orienting the reader to the two ields that are crucial to it, namely doctoral writing studies, and queer studies of afect. Throughout the chapter James seeks to not only describe his study, but also to perform the kind of analytical and text work he will employ in his thesis. Beginnings Waiting. I'm waiting for the words. I stare at the screen-it's too bright in the poorly lit library. The cursor throbs accusatorily, so I turn my head to watch the lights on the hill. The window has a greasy ilm, and a large cobweb in its coner. Tick, tock, tick, tock. I take the mouse; shufle around some sentences. But I am just playing with my food. Just then, my stomach announces itself. I'm hungry again? It must be getting late. Scanning down, I see that I have 302 words, including references. Most of them rubbish. Insipid stupid shallow junk. Minutes later I am still sitting. My chin balanced on my let palm, my head tilted, stretching my neck. I know it's coming. I am going to cry. Deep sobs roll up from my core and ind their way out of my mouth and nose. Big shuddering things. I half hope someone will come in and catch me, but it is probably ater eleven, and the cleaners have already been and gone. I notice as I am crying, the faint echo of a word. For a start it sounds like hah, huuu, huuu but slowly develops into something recognisable: how, how, how?