Society for Ethnomusicology © 11 SEM { STUDENTNEWS } Vol. 15, No. 2 | Fall/Winter 2020 Lost (in) Ethnography, Found (in) Music—My True Ethnomusicology? Andreja Vrekalić (Josip Juraj Strossmayer University of Osijek, Croatia) Refecting on my feldwork experience in medical ethnomusicology, I could courageously say I was seduced by a lot of challenges: searching for the true feld, situating the feld, and negotiating with the feld (Vrekalić 2017; Vrekalić 2019). Since starting ethnographic research of/in music therapy for patients sufering from depression or related mental disorders at the Psychiatric Day Clinic at the University Hospital in Zagreb, Croatia, I have been struggling with a paradigmatic issue: what is my (medical) ethnomusicology in relation/opposition to true Croatian ethnomusicology (Vrekalić 2016)? More generally, to quote Timothy Rice: “Where can we go to work ethnomusicologically today, and what kind of work should we be doing there?” (2014, 191). Most of the time, I feel lost in my ethnography (Smith and Delamont 2019), and try to clarify why I chose it at all. What I could determine is that the feldwork selection criteria were not rationally perceived; that is, I did not select my feld site for its connection with conventions in Croatian ethnomusicology (Ceribašić 1998). Rather, in choosing my feldwork, I “perceived emotionally frst, and then rationalised” (Ceribašić 1998, 56). In this way, feeling and rationalizing are inseparable. The feeling is the frst, intuitive reaction, and rationalizing is the longer process of refection that asks “Why this intuition?” and consequently: “What kind of work should I be doing with it?” The feeling of inner peace and satisfaction while rationalizing the feld could be good guidance; however, the rational clarifcation of emotional connectedness with the feld brought new challenges. The feld imposed questions like “What will you give us in return?” and “Andreja, how do you feel afer our music therapy session?”—questions I was not prepared to answer. The frst question imposed a kind of applied ethnomusicological work; and the second, “emotions in the feld,” (Davies and Spencer 2010), learning to evaluate my own frame of mind throughout and afer the experience. I decided to follow the questions and feel the feld. Thus far, I have not found a concrete solution to give the feld something signifcant in return. However, I fnd particularly interesting how my “shadow in the feld” tied into my emotions in the feld: the lack of frequent feldwork and methodological “obstacles” I complained about gave me research silence in which I could process in-depth what I experienced during music therapy sessions. Musicking with the patients revealed not only things about my research but also personal barriers. I could hardly explain why I tend to “hide” and not be completely honest with myself regarding my emotionality, which I began to expose while doing feldwork. I am convinced that it gives me a great ability to empathize, a skill I consider crucial for doing my feldwork. Thoughts from the Field . . . continued The feeling is the frst, intuitive reaction, and rationalizing is the longer process of refection that asks “Why this intuition?” and consequently: “What kind of work should I be doing with it?” continued on next page . . . ((i n v i t a t i o n))