65 Thinking while black Grace A Musila 5 I In June 2015, I had a difficult exchange with a young black academic on social media, who asked me a question I am still trying to answer. I would like to reproduce part of that conversation here, because this piece is part of my search for an answer for my young friend: Friend: Hi Grace, I wanted to ask you a relatively personal question – how do you own being a black woman academic in this white and patriarchal space? Me: That’s a difficult one. I wish I could answer it coherently. The honest answer? I am still looking for ways of owning it, and the energy to do so (and I hear the same from my colleagues too). The ‘Oprah’ answer? Find the balance between strategic diplomacy and being true to your convictions. Strategic, because we are still guests in the academy, with guest privileges, which the system reminds us it can withdraw at will. So, even when you are being radical, you have to cover your back, otherwise the system will find ways to use that against you, and you will have done no favours – neither to yourself nor the black cause. And the second part, conviction, because it is a hard road, and you will only keep walking it if you believe in what you are claiming, namely, conviction about blackness and womanhood, whatever that means to each of us, which in turn, is a work in progress. Once you are clear about what you believe in, you also become clear on the non negotiables: those things you will not compromise on, because such compromise will kill your spirit. Once you find the balance, you gradually develop the wisdom to choose your battles – not every battle is worth fighting. Some are pointless wastes of energy and ego indulgence, while others are absolutely important to take on, even if you know you will lose, because they nurture your clarity on what is at stake and what you will not willingly compromise on. I guess that is a long paraphrase of my answer, which is: I am still trying to figure this out... This question has stayed with me since June 2015. My friend was asking many questions in that one question. She was asking, how can we be black women academics in the South African – and by extension, global – academy? She was asking, how do we develop, embrace, and nurture spaces and practices where blackness is not ‘overdetermined from without,’ to borrow Jean-Paul Sartre and www.hsrcpress.ac.za