Published in Journal of Philosophy of Emotion 2-1 (2020): 20–26. Please cite the final and published version. Beyond I and Thou: Intimacy’s Pronouns Iskra Fileva University of Colorado, Boulder, USA Abstract: I discuss three limitations of the account of romantic love Aaron Ben-Ze'ev offers in The Arc of Love. I first argue that Ben-Ze'ev never actually tells us what romantic love is. I then suggest that he does not appreciate the proper role of the ‘we' perspective that emerges in romantic love. Finally, I claim that his account of the genesis of romantic love is importantly incomplete and, as a result, he conflates falling in love with love. Keywords: love, I and Thou, we perspective, intransparent mind Aaron Ben-Ze'ev's (2019) aim, as I understand it, is to offer an account of love that is practical but not cynical. While he opposes what he calls "romantic ideology"—roughly, the idea that there is one person that's right for you, and that if you find that person, the love between the two of you will conquer all—he does not wish to give up on positive romantic illusions entirely.[1] The account reflects the modern Zeitgeist. On the pages of The Arc of Love, we find discussion of open marriages, polyamory, and levels of satisfaction among monogamous and non-monogamous people. On the view Ben-Ze'ev puts forward, love—much like virtue for Aristotle—is, above all, activity. Dialogue and joint ventures are essential to romantic love. Ben-Ze'ev expresses sympathy with a "dialogue model" of love. Dialogue between two people who love each other is characterized by a sort of mutual attunement and synchrony. This is not to suggest that there are no conflicts in love, on Ben- Ze'ev's reckoning. Rather, it is to say that conflicts are handled without hostility. The connection between the lovers is more important than any quality the beloved may possess independently (Ben-Ze'ev 2019, 68). Caring too is a key component of love, but pace defenders of the alternative "care model," caring is not the essence of love, or at least not of romantic love, though it may be the essence of parental love or of the love of God for the creation (Ben-Ze'ev 2019, 45).[2] In the spirit of healthy pragmatism, Ben-Ze'ev urges willingness to compromise when it comes to love. A less than ideal love may still be quite good and preferable to an indefinitely long period of waiting for the perfect other. Ben-Ze'ev counsels romantic generosity as well—being willing to tolerate a partner's non-exclusivity in exchange for an enlargement of one's own romantic and sexual freedom. Much of what Ben-Ze'ev says sounds eminently reasonable. My aim in what follows is not to criticize The Arc of Love but to help think through the issues he raises and perhaps, go a step further than he does. WHAT IS ROMANTIC LOVE?